Sexual Fears Are Normal for Aging Men

Wednesday, October 21 2009

October 21, 2009

By Dr. Neil Cannon, certified sex therapist

I have a male patient in his sixties. Let’s call him Dave. The last time Dave had sex was 40 years ago in “Small Town USA.”  Dave remembers clearly that Richard Nixon was president and it was the summer of Woodstock. 

When Dave was in his twenties he had intercourse for the first time. Not surprisingly, shortly after penetration, Dave ejaculated. Sadly, the young woman mocked Dave, and to make matters worse, she spread the word to their mutual friends that Dave was a “premature ejaculator.” As heartbreaking as it is, for all these years Dave has been too ashamed and afraid to have another intimate relationship. 

Dave’s situation is extreme, however, when it comes to coming – or when it comes to penises in general, many men experience a multitude of fears. Am I normal? Am I big enough? Am I too big? Do I last long enough? How can I ejaculate faster? These are the types of questions I get in my sex therapy practice every day. 

Part of the problem is that many of the beliefs men have about their penises come from porn, where the actors are carefully cast for size, shape and cut. Think about this: other than in porn, how many heterosexual men have actually seen another man’s erect penis? Porn stars are generally young, good looking, and can come on command. It’s called “the money shot,” and trust me guys, it’s the editors that should get the credit.  Mere mortals can’t match up with porn stars, nor should they try. 

As men age, there is a very interesting cycle that few people know about – however, it is very normal. The cycle looks something like this… When men are younger, they tend to be like Dave and ejaculate sooner than they want. When men get older they tend to lose the ability to stay hard as long as they want. As a result, what frequently happens is that to avoid losing their erections or not ejaculating at all, many older men rush to ejaculation as soon as they can after penetration. As one patient told me, “It’s better to come too soon than not at all.” 

The bottom line is that this natural physiological cycle can cause men to feel embarrassed, similarly to how Dave felt 40 years ago. The solution boils down to open and loving communication between partners about the reality of the changes that take place with your bodies as you age. If every couple learned to communicate unashamedly about the reality of the changes that take place with their bodies as they age, sex would be better for everyone.

Or as Neil Armstrong said when he took that first step on the moon way back in 1969 – that would be “one small step for man, and one giant step for mankind.”

(c) 2009, Neil Cannon, Ph.D.

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master's degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.