July 21, 2010

By Dr. Neil Cannon, Ph.D., Certified Sex Therapist

Before you read any farther, see if you can guess the one and only thing that would put an end to the profession of marriage counseling. Remember the typewriter? How about rotary telephones? LP records? When was the last time you made a call from a telephone booth? Marriage counselors would become as obsolete as pen quill if people would do one simple thing. 

That one thing is to listen with empathy. Believe it or not, it is often just that simple. People come to me and say they have a problem with sex. Frequently, what they really have is a problem communicating. Seventy-five percent of my practice is with couples and if I look back over the past year, 75% of those couples would either have not required counseling at all, or would have needed much less therapy if they both listened empathically.

Here are five proven tips for how to listen to your significant other:

1.    LISTEN INTENTLY: Don’t think about what you are going to say next. Don’t think about why your spouse is wrong. This isn’t a debate. In order to have a heart-felt conversation, the first part of your job is to listen, even if your partner thinks your breath smells worse than butt on a hot summer day.

2.    REFLECTIVE LISTENING: After your partner has told you what’s on their mind, instead of defending or deflecting, simply reflect back what you heard them say and check for accuracy. Don’t parrot back the precise words, instead let them know you really heard them by paraphrasing, i.e., “What I heard you say is that my breath smells like egg farts and you don’t find that erotic. Is that correct?”

3.    BE CURIOUS: If you want to shock your significant other, instead of denying their feelings, try leaning into their feelings. Ask open-ended questions so your partner can’t answer with a yes or no. Try questions that start with “how” or “what.” For instance, you might want to learn more with questions like, “How does my breath impact our sex life?” Avoid questions that start with “why” because questions that start with why make us defensive.

4.    DON’T PROBLEM SOLVE: Sorry gentlemen, but men are particularly guilty here. Most women don’t want you to solve their problem. They want you to listen. They want you to care. They want to feel like you really hear them.

5.    BE EMPATHETIC: It really doesn’t matter whether or not your breath smells like egg farts. What matters is that your spouse feels that way. Honor your significant other’s feelings and you will be operating on a level that most couples never fully understand.

So if you want to avoid couples counseling, sometimes it is as simple as keeping your ears and heart open, while simultaneously keeping your mouth closed. It’s a tough trick. However, it can be done. Listening is sexy!

About the Author

Dr. Cannon is a Certified Sex Therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colorado, he teaches human sexuality at the post graduate level; is a professional speaker; serves as an expert witness; and provides diversity training to the federal government and large corporations.

You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com health blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main sexuality page.