By Dr. Neil Cannon, Ph.D., Certified Sex Therapist

Before you read any farther, see if you can guess the one and only thing that would put an end to the profession of marriage counseling. Remember the typewriter? How about rotary telephones? LP records? When was the last time you made a call from a telephone booth? Marriage counselors would become as obsolete as pen quill if people would do one simple thing. 

That one thing is to listen with empathy. Believe it or not, it is often just that simple. People come to me and say they have a problem with sex. Frequently, what they really have is a problem communicating. Seventy-five percent of my practice is with couples and if I look back over the past year, 75% of those couples would either have not required counseling at all, or would have needed much less therapy if they both listened empathically.

Here are five proven tips for how to listen to your significant other:

1.    LISTEN INTENTLY: Don’t think about what you are going to say next. Don’t think about why your spouse is wrong. This isn’t a debate. In order to have a heart-felt conversation, the first part of your job is to listen, even if your partner thinks your breath smells worse than butt on a hot summer day.

2.    REFLECTIVE LISTENING: After your partner has told you what’s on their mind, instead of defending or deflecting, simply reflect back what you heard them say and check for accuracy. Don’t parrot back the precise words, instead let them know you really heard them by paraphrasing, i.e., “What I heard you say is that my breath smells like egg farts and you don’t find that erotic. Is that correct?”

3.    BE CURIOUS: If you want to shock your significant other, instead of denying their feelings, try leaning into their feelings. Ask open-ended questions so your partner can’t answer with a yes or no. Try questions that start with “how” or “what.” For instance, you might want to learn more with questions like, “How does my breath impact our sex life?” Avoid questions that start with “why” because questions that start with why make us defensive.

4.    DON’T PROBLEM SOLVE: Sorry gentlemen, but men are particularly guilty here. Most women don’t want you to solve their problem. They want you to listen. They want you to care. They want to feel like you really hear them.

5.    BE EMPATHETIC: It really doesn’t matter whether or not your breath smells like egg farts. What matters is that your spouse feels that way. Honor your significant other’s feelings and you will be operating on a level that most couples never fully understand.

So if you want to avoid couples counseling, sometimes it is as simple as keeping your ears and heart open, while simultaneously keeping your mouth closed. It’s a tough trick. However, it can be done. Listening is sexy!

About the Author

Dr. Cannon is a Certified Sex Therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colorado, he teaches human sexuality at the post graduate level; is a professional speaker; serves as an expert witness; and provides diversity training to the federal government and large corporations.

You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com health blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main sexuality page.

By Neil Cannon, Ph.D., Certified Sex Therapist

Even though Tiger is seemingly out of the woods with his media blitz, “sex addiction” remains a hot topic. Sex sells, and the media loves catchy labels.

Truth is, there’s no such thing as “sex addiction” in the clinical sense. However, there are people who act out sexually with compulsive and sometimes obsessive behavior. It is common for these same people to keep sexual secrets from their significant other, and that’s where things become particularly problematic.

Defining Sex Addiction and Sexually Compulsive Behavior

It’s important for someone seeking treatment to understand the difference between “sex addiction” and sexually compulsive behavior in order to know what type of treatment will suit them best.

Sex isn’t something humans become addicted to. By definition, people who are addicted to something have withdrawal symptoms when they abruptly stop the addictive behavior. Tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine are all examples of addictive substances that each have specific withdrawal symptoms.

On the other hand; eating, shopping, and being sexual are examples of behaviors that people can become compulsive about, but not addicted to. By way of example, alcoholics who stop drinking can experience withdrawal symptoms called Delirium Tremens (commonly known as DTs).

On the other hand, people who stop looking at Internet porn do not experience physical withdrawal symptoms. This is an important distinction when you consider your alternatives for treatment.

Treatment Options

The fundamental decision for those seeking treatment is to decide whether they want to follow the sex addiction model or a compulsive behavior model for healing.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has helped millions of alcoholics and their families. When it comes to substance abuse, abstinence is the goal and AA is a proven treatment approach. On the other hand, sexual activity is not something that most people are seeking to abstain from.

In at least one of the popular 12-step programs for “sex addiction,” the definition of sobriety is “no sexual activity unless it is between a married man and a married woman, with no masturbation for the rest of your life.” That approach has helped many people. I have many clients who attend 12-step support groups and see me for individual counseling and couples counseling.

Alternative to 12-Step Programs

Like many other certified sex therapists, however, I treat the situation as a compulsive behavior and carefully tailor the treatment plan to the client. My approach is non-judgmental, supportive, and systemic. By systemic I mean that we treat the couple as well as the individual.

In our work together, you won’t hear terms like sober, sobriety or addict. I don’t believe it’s necessary for most people to go through the rest of their life with the shame of having been labeled a “sex addict.” The idea is to help people transform, heal and regain control of their lives so that sex can be enjoyed in a healthy manner.

Each client is different, and therefore I work with the individual and/or couple accordingly. Some people are one click away from losing their job, spouse or partner. My goal is to provide my clients with new behavioral tools during their very first session in order to help support them in changing the undesirable behavior, and to start creating a new life that is free of sexual shame and guilt.

For more information about sexually compulsive behavior, you can visit my website.

Read more insightful sexuality articles from Dr. Cannon on AccessRx.
 

By Neil Cannon, Ph.D. and Certified Sex Therapist

I looked into the twinkling green eyes of my 81 year-old father as he peered at me over the top of his scotch glass.

“Son,” he said sheepishly, “you’re the Sex Doctor and I have an awkward question for you.”

Dad knows I am teaching a class next month on aging and sexuality so I sensed that he was going to ask me about his aging body. I felt myself slide into that compassionate, soft-spoken space I go to in my role as a therapist. This was going to be a wonderful opportunity to help my dad and have a great father/son moment. 

Dad looked somewhat embarrassed when he asked me the big question; “Son, what’s the difference between being a little kinky and being perverted?”

That wasn’t what I was expecting. However, perhaps something had been haunting him for all these years so I gently asked him for a little more information. He looked at me seriously and told me with a deadpan expression that he already knew the answer.

“Kinky,” he said, “is when you have sex using feathers. Being perverted is when you have sex with the whole bird!”

I’d been had!

All kidding aside, my father does raise a serious topic that comes up frequently in therapy. Every day I hear something related to the following questions:  Am I normal? What’s OK to do sexually? How can I get my partner to do X Y or Z?  The simple answer is that if it is between consenting adults then it’s all good. 

At least once per day I have a couple in my office where one person has a sexual desire that their partner doesn’t fully share. Conflicts range from the benign to the complex. It is not uncommon for couples to have conflicts over topics like frequency, anal sex, oral sex, role-play, and bondage.

So what do you do if your partner wants you to perform oral sex and it’s just not your cup of tea? In therapy there are many ways we tackle conflicts like this. Here is one that helps many couples to sort out their differences: 

Try to think about it like this… Is it a matter of preference or a matter of dignity?  If your partner wants something sexually and it doesn’t violate your dignity, then go for it.

For the sake of an easy example, let’s suppose it is not your preference to hold hands in public, however it’s important to your partner. If holding hands in public doesn’t violate your dignity then take one for the team and consider it a love gift.

On the other hand, if holding hands in public feels like a public display of affection that violates your dignity, then don’t do it. If your partner truly loves and respects you, they aren’t ever going to want you to do something that violates your self-respect.

It may sound like simple advice, but oftentimes this is all a loving couple needs to think about when dealing with a complex issue.

About the Author

Dr. Cannon is a Certified Sex Therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colorado, he teaches human sexuality at the post graduate level; is a professional speaker; serves as an expert witness; and provides diversity training to the federal government and large corporations.

You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main page.

By Neil Cannon, Ph.D., Certified Sex Therapist

As a sex therapist and couples counselor I spend many a day and night listening to women talk about what they find attractive and unattractive in men.  Rather than discuss what women say they want, however, I thought it might help some men if we look instead at what women don’t want. Based on my clinical experience, here are 10 sexual Buzz Kills for women.

Men who smell like butt:  Most women just aren’t that into it. I have yet to hear a woman who has declined an offer for sex because her partner came to bed smelling fresh and clean. Sometimes life is as simple as taking a shower.

Men who don’t listen: The male species has a tendency to want to problem-solve, and what women really want is to be heard. Ask questions and be curious about her. Women tell me that when a man listens to her, it is very sexy — the ultimate foreplay so to speak!

Men who are not trustworthy: People want to feel safe regardless of gender. Being physically safe is a big part of it of course. However, being emotionally safe is every bit as important when having sex because it is such a vulnerable state. If your partner can’t trust you out of bed, why should she trust you in bed?

Men who don’t like children: Women are attracted to men who are kind to animals and children. Be kind to the minimum wage worker at the fast food restaurant who got your order wrong, and she’ll feel safe you will always be kind to her as well.

Men who are fuddy-duds: Women love men who have a good sense of humor. Laughter is not only the best medicine, but it is a sure-fire aphrodisiac. When it comes to attracting women, a great smile is way more important than a great car.  (Both of course are ideal).

Men who dress poorly: You don’t need to spend a lot of money to dress in a way that is attractive to women. Women just want a little style.   

Men who criticize her family: It is okay for her to knock her mom. However, it is definitely not okay for you to speak badly of mother. Some women want to be just like their mother. For other women, being like their mother is their worst nightmare. Either way guys — try to remember that just because you have thoughts, you don’t actually have to say them all out loud. 

Men who are overly cocky: Women love confident men. Women don’t like arrogance. You don’t need to do anything more than be yourself in order to be sexy.  There is a partner for everyone.

Men who don’t like cats: I predict that when the 2010 census is tallied, the study will indicate that there are less than 100 single women in all of America that don’t have at least one cat. Learn to love kitties!

Men who are unmotivated: You don’t have to be rich to be sexy. However, do be clear that women don’t dig lazy. The good news for you is that, unlike your physical appearance, you can change everything you do from this point forward.

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main page.

By Neil Cannon, Ph.D., Certified Sex Therapist

As you may have figured out by now, the Internet is a sex repository like no other. There are more websites about sex and sexuality (including porn) than anything else. Amazingly, I have taken these millions of websites and whittled them down to the 14 that I most recommend.

You will find a little bit of everything within the following websites. You will be informed and educated, and I will also provide the secret gateway to the best porn sites on the Internet…

1. Dr. Neil’s Blog
www.doctorcannon.wordpress.com
Seriously, would you respect me in the morning if I didn’t list my own blog first?

2. Marty Klein, Ph.D.
www.sexed.org
Marty is the author of “America’s War on Sex.” Dr. Klein speaks to sold-out audiences around the world and is the leading advocate against sexual stupidity.

3. The Rev. Debra W. Haffner; The Religious Institute
www.religiousinstitute.org/staff/the-rev-debra-w-haffner
Dr. Haffner is the worldwide voice of reason when it comes to creating policy related to contemporary sexuality, education and health. Among other things, Rev. Haffner created the “Religious Declaration on Sexual Morality, Justice & Healing.” More than 3,300 religious leaders from more than 50 religious traditions signed the “Religious Declaration.”

4. The Guide to Getting it On
www.goofyfootpress.com
It is educational and entertaining.  Trust me – you will be surfing in some very interesting waters! Find blogs, links to other great sex websites, a glossary of sex terms and even a few dozen date ideas.

5. Stephanie Buehler, MPW, PsyD, Certified Sex Therapist
www.thebuehlerinstitute.com/blog/
Rest assured that Stephanie Buehler is of no relation to Ferris Bueller. However, if your love life is lagging, Stephanie could help you lead a parade down Michigan Avenue singing “Twist & Shout.” Dr. Buehler’s blog is loaded with important and practical advice. Stephanie is also one of the leading sex therapists in the world.

6. About Sexuality by Cory Silverberg, Certified Sex Educator
http://sexuality.about.com/
Cory provides the ultimate destination for sexual Q&A. He has amassed a virtual library of sexual content during his five-plus years as the sexual expert for About.com. From sex tips to sexual health, you won’t find a more comprehensive online resource.

7. Human Sexuality                       
http://unrhumansexuality.weebly.com/index.html
This site is so well thought out by Tory Clark, an instructor at the University of Nevada at Reno, that it must be included on this list. When you visit the site, make sure you check out the links page and YouTube videos!

8. Fascinations
www.funlove.com
Fascinations is an exceptional online store that is easy to order from, plus they have 13 large, well-lit retail stores. Fascinations has eliminated the “Ick Factor” that is so often related to adult toy stores. It’s like going to Nordstrom’s and coming out with a dildo in your shopping bag!

9. A Woman’s Touch
http://www.a-womans-touch.com
This site has toys for sale (sex critics Em and Lo said they would trust this website with "their genitals and credit card information,”) but owner Ellen Barnard has made it so much more. A Woman’s Touch is a wealth of serious information about sexual health and pleasure.
 
10. Betty Dodson “The Mother of Female Masturbation”
www.dodsonandross.com
Imagine a living room full of “housewives” in the 1960s sitting naked with a mirror between their legs being taught to masturbate. Welcome to the world of Betty Dodson, one of the most empowering women of the last century.

11. Reclaim Your Sexuality Blog
http://reclaimyoursexuality.blogspot.com/
An excellent site with well-thought-out questions and answers. There are more than 30 blog entries so far on this site, and every one of them entertains a compelling topic. Readers can learn a lot from each entry.

12. Jane’s Guide
http://janesguide.com/
This is the one-stop shop you need to check out before you head off to Naughty Land. The editors at Jane’s Guide have been objectively reviewing Internet porn since 1997. Jane, Vamp, Peter & Sara “waste their time so you don’t have to.”

13. Sex Addiction
www.healingsavants.com
On a more serious note, if Internet porn or other sexually compulsive behavior is creating a problem for you, your job or your relationships, there are places where you can get immediate help. Healing Savants takes a sex-positive, non-twelve-step approach to help people heal from sexually compulsive behavior. Ask about their worldwide webinars for group support, as well as education and counseling for individuals and couples.

14. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors & Therapists (AASECT)
http://aasect.org/directory.asp
Here you will find a listing of every AASECT-certified sex therapist in the world. Before you set out to find a sex therapist, you need to make sure they are certified. Also, you can check out my previous blog entry on how to find the best sex therapist.

I hope you find all of these websites to be informative and helpful (and perhaps entertaining)!

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main page.

By Dr. Neil Cannon, Certified Sex Therapist

They say that if a man lives long enough he will ultimately die from prostate cancer.  On a similar note, in my world, if a workshop goes on long enough somebody will inevitably ask about semen. Well here it is folks, your comprehensive guide to semen in 500 words or less.

First off, semen is not to be confused with seamen. Although many seamen are men, and most men have semen, and most semen contains 1% sperm, not all seamen can swim. On the other hand, living sperm within semen can swim and generally do so at a nautical speed of 7 inches per hour. Switching to air travel for semen, no seamen can fly but most semen can.  In fact, semen blast off during the initial ejaculatory launch at a speed of nearly 30 MPH and can fly up to 3 feet in the air. This is exactly why the U.S. Naval Command encourages their young seamen to wear safety goggles during masturbation. Semen presents dangers to even the most experienced seamen.

As for the taste of semen, all men try to convince their partner that semen tastes like honey. The fact is, however, that most men have never drunk a full serving of semen so they don’t really know what semen tastes like. In my experience as a couples counselor, I have noticed, however, that the taste of semen is often impacted by the state of the relationship. Imagine that! 

The taste of semen can also be affected by a change in diet. Things that tend to make semen taste “yucky” are alcohol, meat, garlic and onions. Although smoking after sex used to be culturally sheikh, cigarettes are toxic and will pollute the taste of semen, thereby giving women yet one more reason for men not to smoke. Not to digress, but smoking will also make your penis shrink. Getting back to the taste of semen, medications can also impact the taste of semen. How wrong would it be if Viagra made your semen taste like squid guts? (It doesn’t).

We can’t have a serious discussion about the taste of semen unless we address caloric intake. New FDA guidelines require a nutritional label to be prominently displayed on the side of each erect penis. Upon examination, you will find said nutritional label indicates that the average serving size of semen is 1 tablespoon and contains less than 20 calories, a high proportion of which is protein. There is no trans fat and very little sugar. While doing research for this article, I found that Weight Watchers does not indicate the number of points for a single serving of semen.

If you really want to make your semen taste like honey, here are some tips. Drink lots of water and increase your intake of fruits, particularly melons, pineapple, cranberry, apples and grapes. Most vegetables are also encouraged except asparagus, cabbage, broccoli and cauliflower. In conclusion, as you can see men, there is much to consider when it comes to semen.

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main page.

By Dr. Neil Cannon, Certified Sex Therapist

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is one of the most common sexual health concerns that men face. Many men are so ashamed of their inability to obtain and maintain a firm erection that they come to me in secrecy. These men have equated their manhood to the rigidity of their penis. Every situation is different. However, some men even dodge relationships entirely for fear of becoming intimate and finding themselves with an uncooperative penis. 

To treat ED effectively, first we need to explore the most common causes. The number one thing to do is rule out a physiological problem. If you have early-morning erections, then your plumbing probably works fine and your issue is most likely not physiological.  The same rings true if you can maintain an erection during masturbation.

If you are not experiencing erections under these two circumstances, however, you should definitely see a medical doctor, post haste. The inability to achieve erections can also be symptomatic of serious medical issues such as heart disease.

More Causes For ED

Another common cause is prescription medications. This is tricky because the older we get the more prescription medicine we tend to take. Many patients assume it is the aging process that is causing them to lose erection strength and sustainability. Oftentimes, however, it is prescription medications. Fixing the problem can be as simple as a visit with your doctor to discuss replacement medications that accomplish the same thing but without the sexual side affects. 

Excessive alcohol, obesity and smoking are other common causes of ED. But one of the most frequent causes is stress. The stress can be indirect, i.e., financial stress. I have yet to hear a man say, “Thank goodness the stock market tanked. My erections are better than ever!” Stress directly related to sexual activity, i.e., the fear of not having an erection, is also a leading cause of ED and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we worry about not getting an erection, the more likely we are to not get an erection. 

Fixing the Problem

So what else can you do? Start with open and honest communication with your partner.  It needs to be okay if you do or don’t have an erection. While you are taking parallel paths to rule out the possible causes I mentioned earlier, you can also re-define sex. Great sex is all about pleasure not performance! It really is true: erections are nice, but not always necessary. Remember, lesbians do just fine! Erection problems can often be alleviated when a certified sex therapist gets involved in the process.

Obviously ED is complex and more than I can cover here. One thing I can assure you, however, is that the better your relationship, the easier it will be to overcome ED. Men with ED feel incredibly vulnerable. Depending on what your doctor says, medications such as Viagra, Cialis, Levitra can be invaluable – even if they are only used as a temporary solution to help you regain your confidence. (Editor’s note: You can buy Viagra online by obtaining a prescription on this website.)

Unfortunately, many men resist medications because they feel less manly. If that’s the case, set your ego aside.  Getting some “wins” is key to overcoming ED if it’s psychosomatic. Success breeds success. So even if it takes Popsicle sticks and duct tape, I say it’s time for you and your honey to address any dissatisfaction that exists because of ED. Of course, the other methods mentioned above should work a little better.

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main page.

By Dr. Neil Cannon, Certified Sex Therapist

A couple I was working with this time last year was seeing me because they had a gap in their sexual desire. He wanted more sex than she did. Neither of them was right or wrong, they simply had a gap to close.

In the case of this couple, the holidays were making matters worse. During one session, the woman told me that she was too busy shopping, cooking, partying, decorating and baking to have sex. “And if that’s not enough,” she said, “my in-laws will be with us.”

It’s easy to have a “no sex, low sex” holiday if that’s what you and your partner really want. On the other hand, if you’d like more intimacy in your relationship, there is no better time than the holidays to get started. The holidays are filled with romantic energy if you take the time to soak it all in. The holidays are a great way to create more passion, be more connected, bring you closer and leave you feeling more intimate as you go into the New Year.

Here are 10 simple and quick tips for better holiday sex and intimacy…

1. Make sex a priority. Being intentional about sex is the first step toward getting what you want. Spontaneous sex is wonderful. However, spontaneous sex plus planned sex will get you more sex during the busy holiday season.

2. Have at least one conversation every day with your partner about sex.  Collaborate and conspire as to when and where your next sexual adventure will occur. 

3. Break your sexual pattern. Long, seductive nights while watching the snow fall can be wonderful, but don’t forget the quickies. That’s what God made mistletoe for!

4. Be giving. We all know that it’s better to give than to receive.

5. Watch romantic holiday movies “together.” Do a Google search for “romantic holiday movies” and you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.  And yes, men, it is okay to cry during Bridget Jones Diary.

6. Get rid of your “to do” lists and enjoy the holiday preparations together. Stop and smell the pine needles.

7. Go easy on food and drink. It is easy to over-indulge during the holidays and, unfortunately, feeling stuffed doesn’t generally make for a sexy night.

8. Get creative. If you have family over or are staying with someone else, that doesn’t mean sex has to be off the table. It just means you might want to keep your sexual yodeling turned down a bit. Turning the volume up on the radio isn’t a bad idea either if grandma is sleeping in the room next to you.

9. Do something silly and sexy. Have you ever had sex with an elf? How about Mrs. Clause? I hear she can be quite naughty.

10. Finally, your prescription for the holidays is one hot, steamy, five-second kiss at least two times per day. What a great reminder that you and your partner are always first in each other’s lives. After all, ‘tis the season to be sexy!

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.

Dr. Cannon is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog. You can read his other blog entries on his main page.

By Dr. Neil Cannon, certified sex therapist

I have a male patient in his sixties. Let’s call him Dave. The last time Dave had sex was 40 years ago in “Small Town USA.”  Dave remembers clearly that Richard Nixon was president and it was the summer of Woodstock. 

When Dave was in his twenties he had intercourse for the first time. Not surprisingly, shortly after penetration, Dave ejaculated. Sadly, the young woman mocked Dave, and to make matters worse, she spread the word to their mutual friends that Dave was a “premature ejaculator.” As heartbreaking as it is, for all these years Dave has been too ashamed and afraid to have another intimate relationship. 

Dave’s situation is extreme, however, when it comes to coming – or when it comes to penises in general, many men experience a multitude of fears. Am I normal? Am I big enough? Am I too big? Do I last long enough? How can I ejaculate faster? These are the types of questions I get in my sex therapy practice every day. 

Part of the problem is that many of the beliefs men have about their penises come from porn, where the actors are carefully cast for size, shape and cut. Think about this: other than in porn, how many heterosexual men have actually seen another man’s erect penis? Porn stars are generally young, good looking, and can come on command. It’s called “the money shot,” and trust me guys, it’s the editors that should get the credit.  Mere mortals can’t match up with porn stars, nor should they try. 

As men age, there is a very interesting cycle that few people know about – however, it is very normal. The cycle looks something like this… When men are younger, they tend to be like Dave and ejaculate sooner than they want. When men get older they tend to lose the ability to stay hard as long as they want. As a result, what frequently happens is that to avoid losing their erections or not ejaculating at all, many older men rush to ejaculation as soon as they can after penetration. As one patient told me, “It’s better to come too soon than not at all.” 

The bottom line is that this natural physiological cycle can cause men to feel embarrassed, similarly to how Dave felt 40 years ago. The solution boils down to open and loving communication between partners about the reality of the changes that take place with your bodies as you age. If every couple learned to communicate unashamedly about the reality of the changes that take place with their bodies as they age, sex would be better for everyone.

Or as Neil Armstrong said when he took that first step on the moon way back in 1969 – that would be “one small step for man, and one giant step for mankind.”

(c) 2009, Neil Cannon, Ph.D.

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.
 

By Dr. Neil Cannon, certified sex therapist

A dear friend called me yesterday and asked for help with a complex sexual concern.  I told him I couldn’t see him professionally since we are personal friends; however I stressed the importance of selecting the right counselor. Decisions made in therapy can affect the rest of your life. “Well then,” he said, “Help me find The Sex Whisperer.” Yikes, how’s that for pressure?

The first thing we discussed was his big picture needs. There are five main categories of mental health professionals. Most can potentially be a good choice as your sex therapist.

PSYCHIATRISTS: Not many psychiatrists are sex therapists; however, they are medical doctors and can therefore prescribe medication. I encourage my clients who are candidates to be treated with medication to see a psychiatrist rather than their family physician. I have nothing against general practitioners; however, this is a world of specialization. Remember – the person who allegedly administered that lethal dose of anesthesia to Michael Jackson was a cardiologist. Whoops!

LICENSED PSYCHOLOGISTS (PhDs): Psychologists cannot prescribe medicine but are highly educated mental health professionals who can be particularly effective working with people who have complex mental health issues. Many leading sex therapists are psychologists.

LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKERS (LCSW):  Despite the connotation that often goes with that of a “social worker,” many brilliant sex therapists come up through the ranks of social work, so don’t let that label scare you.

LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELORS (LPC): As you might surmise from their title, some of the best sex therapists in the business are LPCs.

LICENSED MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPISTS (LMFT): All things being equal, an LMFT can be an excellent choice. In most states, marriage and family therapists take at least two additional years to obtain post-graduate certification after they obtain their master’s degree. Perhaps most importantly, the training LMFTs receive focuses on helping people with relationship issues. 

Now for the specific criteria to consider as you drill down…. 

• First and foremost, select a therapist you feel comfortable with. Outcome studies indicate that up to 50% of the benefits people receive from therapy is dependent on how comfortable they feel with their therapist. 
   
• Secondly, look for a sex therapist that is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). The AASECT certification process is demanding with rigid requirements in terms of both education and clinical experience. 
   
• Next, make sure the therapist you select has specific experience with your particular concern. You don’t want your therapist learning about the nuances of delayed ejaculation on your dime.
   
• Lastly, make sure the finances of seeking help work for you. Most certified sex therapists don’t accept insurance; however, many do accept credit cards. Some offer sliding scales while others offer discounts for clients who pre-pay sessions.  In any event, all therapists should be perfectly willing to discuss the economics with you.

To sum it up, if you want to find your own Sex Whisperer – select one, don’t settle for one!

(c) 2009, Neil Cannon, Ph.D.

About the Author
Dr. Cannon is a certified sex therapist and couples counselor who holds a master’s degree in public health, as well as a doctorate in Human Sexuality. In addition to leading his practice in Denver, Colo., he teaches sexual diversity, attitudes and behavior at the post graduate level; serves as an expert witness; provides diversity training to corporations and is the co-host of The Sex & Intimacy Show – a weekly radio show in Denver. You can view his website at www.doctorcannon.com or reach him directly at neil@doctorcannon.com.