July 24, 2009

A few years ago, when my 19-year marriage was ending, I met a woman that I was sure was “The One.”  We had amazing chemistry!  This was especially exciting for me because the marriage I was coming out of was a nicely functioning, but nearly plutonic relationship.  We didn’t fight much because we shared commitments concerning our son, finances and spirituality. But we were like brother and sister. There was no passion and chemistry between us.  So when I met “The One,” I thought I’d died and gone to heaven because we were like a couple of teenagers—madly in love and having wild sex multiple times a day.

A little over a year later, and happily engaged to be married, I began to see that although we had chemistry, we didn’t have shared commitments on which to build our relationship!  We were hot for each other, but we weren’t right for each other. I was devastated. Would I ever find a relationship that had both chemistry and shared commitments?

This second break up led me to embark on what I call a conscious way of choosing a life partner.  One day, I sat down at my computer and brainstormed.  I came up with three questions to help me determine if a woman was, indeed, “The One.” These questions became a safeguard against the danger of making a commitment based solely on chemistry. Within six months, I was in a relationship that had both chemistry and shared commitments—and she is now my wife!  I hope that these questions can help guide you toward finding the love of your life.

Question #1:  Am I compromising any significant desire, dream or direction in my life to be with her?

When I was with “The One,” I was compromising a key purpose of my life: fatherhood. She lived one thousand miles away from my son and was unwilling to move. To be with her meant that I had to move away from him. So I compromised on my purpose, for a time, because we had such great chemistry.

Are you giving up anything really important to you, like a life long dream, a path or a core purpose, in order to be with someone? One of the ways you know that they are “The One,” is that there is nothing of importance that you are giving up in exchange for being in the relationship. Healthy relationships support the pursuit of dreams and creativity. Many people believe that compromise is a good thing in a relationship. That’s a total lie. Compromise is a red flag.  You don’t have to abandon your dreams or change your direction in life to be with someone. If you do, it’s a sign you’re with the wrong person!

Question #2:  Does she have absolutely all of my “deal makers” and none of my “deal breakers”? 

That day at my computer, I also got clear on a couple of basics I had to have, and would not stand for, in a partner. I call them “deal makers” and “deal breakers.” For instance, my primary “deal maker” is having a woman who is completely devoted to her spiritual growth, above all else. Secondly, I want a woman who takes 100% responsibility for her experiences, problems and emotions. I’m not interested in relating intimately with a blamer or a victim. Thirdly, I want openness, someone who reveals rather than conceals. And lastly, I want someone committed to a healthy lifestyle. Those were my “deal makers,” things I had to have.

My “deal breakers” were women who smoked, were sexually disinterested, workaholics, or had children under the age of ten.  I have no judgment about those issues, they’re just not what I want in my life. Again, if any of those things were true, I would end the relationship immediately, no matter how great our chemistry was. But I was fudging on some of these with “The One.” It was partly because we had such great chemistry, but also because I had a scarcity mindset. 

Like many people, I thought there was a shortage of women who were perfectly suited for me. And if you hold that belief, you’ll likely overlook something significant, especially if the physical attraction is high. The truth is that there are many partners that embody what you are looking for. And the universe will bring them to you if you wait and refuse to settle.

Question #3:  Would I be completely happy, if from this moment on, nothing about her or our relationship changed?

I’ve saved the most critical question for last. What if nothing ever changes about your partner or your relationship? What if five years from now, everything, and I mean, everything, is the same? What if they never lose weight? What if they still don’t handle their credit cards responsibly? What if their sexual interest never changes? You can’t be in love with fantasy. You must be in love with reality, the person they are now.

The primary reason I know my wife is “The One,” is that for the first time in my relational life, I am not in love with who I hope my woman will become. I’m in love with her—now. In my previous relationships, I would hope the woman in my life would become more interested in sex, lose weight or take an interest in spiritual things. I didn’t really love them as they were, I loved who I thought they could and should be.
 
Are you in love with your partner or their potential? Let go of hoping your partner will get thinner, smarter, richer, sexier, happier, or more responsible than they are right now. Assume they won’t. Assume nothing will change. Are they still “The One”?

Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player.

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