By Roy Biancalana, Certified Life Coach

If you were to talk to any sports psychologist and ask them to name the single greatest mental skill a player of any sport needs to master in order to perform at his or her best, my guess is that nearly all of them would say it’s the ability to approach the next shot, the next pitch, at-bat, play or point with a clean emotional slate.

This is often called, “staying in the present.” I call it being complete and it means to play without baggage. Athletic success is ultimately about the ability to approach the future without living in the past.

As important as being complete is in athletics, it is exponentially more important when it comes to relationships and attracting genuine love. If you are incomplete with former lovers then you are self-sabotaging your ability to create a healthy relationship in the future. You can’t move forward if you’re chained to the past. I want to focus on two types of “chains:” The Chain of Attachment and the Chain of Aversion.

The Chain of Attachment
Quite a few years ago, I was madly in love and engaged to be married. But six months before our wedding date, my fiancée broke off our engagement and ended our relationship. I was devastated.

We went our separate ways, not speaking to one another, and I began to date. I met some wonderful women but the truth was that none of them had a chance with me – not one of them had real access to my heart, because I was still hung up on my ex-fiancée.

The chain of attachment simply means that you’re still in love with, obsessed with, or not over a previous relationship. It means you still have feelings for them, that you miss them, or that you still think of them all the time. With your heart filled with their presence, there’s no room for anyone else’s. You’re not complete because you’re still attached to them – even if you don’t see them or talk to them.

The Chain of Aversion
It is quite common to meet someone new and hear them go on and on about their ex-husband, wife or lover. They may not be in love with them, but they sure are in hate with them! Either way, they’re still involved with them. Their heart is filled with bitterness and anger, leaving no room for a new relationship.

The chain of aversion means you, or the person you’re interested in, still has a negative energetic charge toward a former relationship. In other words, there is still drama going on, even if the relationship is long over. Holding a grudge, being anger and bitter, blaming, criticizing, speaking harshly or gossiping about a former lover means they (or you!) are still carrying an emotional charge. The relationship is incomplete.

How to Rid Yourself of Attachment or Aversion
If you have attachment or aversion issues with a former lover, you will not attract a quality partner into your life. A healthy person will smell your incompletion a mile away and run – as they should. So, what do you do? How do you let go of attachment and end your feelings of aversion?

In my experience, there’s only one way. Get help. Hire a coach, counselor or therapist. Time does NOT heal attachment, nor does it free you of aversion. You need to discover the unconscious reason and purpose of the relationship and the role you played in its demise. And in my opinion, to get that kind of clarity takes professional assistance.

If you dream and long for an amazing, healthy relationship with the man or woman of your dreams, the first step is deal with your past and be complete with your former lovers. For as the poet Rumi said many centuries ago: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

About the Author
Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player. He is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog and you can find all of his entries on his blog main page. Roy used his PGA Tour background to write a previous two-part entry about Getting In the Zone with your life.

You can reach Roy for advice by contacting him through email, his website or by phone…

roy@coachingwithroy.com
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

By Roy Biancalana

Imagine your life three years from now. If you’re like me, that’s a fairly easy thing to do. Most of us know what we’d like to attract, create or manifest in our lives. It’s the “how” part that trips us up. We know where we want to go, but we’re not sure how to get there.

Over the next five installments of this blog, I want to discuss this confusing “how” issue. There are five universal laws that govern manifestation. If you consciously align your life with these five laws consistently, you will attract, create and manifest whatever vision you have for your life.

My niche and passion as a Relationship Coach is supporting single people who desire to attract the love of their lives. So as we proceed, I will show you how these laws can be used to manifest a great relationship. But since my coaching practice is also a business, I will show you how these five laws can be used to experience professional success as well.

The First & Most Important Law
The first, and by far, the most important law that governs manifestation is the Law of Commitment. You must actually want to manifest what you say you want to manifest in order for it to manifest.

I know that seems obvious, but consider New Year’s resolutions. Why do most of us not fulfill them? Because underneath our stated intentions, there’s a stronger, and usually unconscious, counter-commitment at work, holding us back. In other words, you’ve got one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. If you want to manifest an amazing life partner, or, if you want to grow your business (or manifest anything else), you must discover, and let go of, your hidden, unconscious counter-commitments to doing so.

You Can Always Get What You Want
Here’s the startling truth: If you are single, on some level, you want to be single. And if you’re business is not succeeding, on some level, you don’t want it to succeed. Sounds nuts, doesn’t it? But this first law says that your results reveal your true commitments. It doesn’t matter what you say you want; your results reveal what you really want. Let me give you an example.

I met a woman recently that was 45 years old and had never been married. She said she wanted to fall in love with a great guy, but as we talked, she admitted a deep fear of being rejected, hurt and abandoned. Can you see why she has kept herself single all these years? The counter-commitment to not being hurt was stronger than the stated commitment to falling in love. If she deals with her counter-commitment and lets it go, my guess is that within a month she’ll meet the man of her dreams.

Spend Some Quiet Time Alone
If you want to manifest something new in your personal or professional life, the critical first step is to deal with your unconscious counter-commitments. You must take your foot off the brake if you want to get anywhere. And you do that by spending a significant amount of alone time asking yourself what I call, “Quantum Manifestation Questions” or QMQ.

The QMQ for the Law of Commitment is this: What is the benefit or payoff for not getting what you want? What do you get out of things staying the way they are? If nothing comes to mind, turn it around. What’s the downside to manifesting what you want? What do you fear might, or will happen, if you get what you want? Sit with these questions for days, if necessary.

If you discover your counter-commitments and deal with them, you will effortlessly and quickly attract, create and manifest your heart’s desire—if of course, you align yourself with the four other Laws of Manifestation. Stay tuned.

About the Author
Roy Biancalana is a regular guest contributor to the AccessRx  blog. He specializes in helping people attract and find the love of their lives. He also advises on how to lead a healthy, spiritual, and fulfilling life. Roy is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player. He is available for consultations.

roy@coachingwithroy.com
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Additional Resources
http://www.goal4success.com

With February being the month of love, you will be bombarded with tips about romance and how to make your love life more fulfilling. And that’s fine. But what you’re unlikely to hear about, though, are the sinister forces at work that make a fulfilling love life impossible.

In my experience, love is like the sun – it’s there, it’s already shining. You don’t have to do anything to make the sun shine, you only have to remove the clouds in order to experience its brightness. Love is like that. It’s our natural state. It’s who we are. You and I don’t have to learn how to love as much as we need remove that which blocks it from naturally shining through our lives.

What are the “clouds” that block love from shining brightly through our lives? Well to answer that question, I want to quote an excerpt from my new book titled, “A Drink with Legs: From Being Hooked to Being Happy – A Spiritual Path to Relationship Bliss.”

The premise is this:  All relationship pain and discord comes from relying on our partner, or a potential partner, to give us a sense of self, alleviate our loneliness, create a feeling of aliveness or to validate our worth. In other words, relationships don’t work because we’ve bought into the “You Complete Me” mindset made famous by the movie “Jerry Maguire.”

I believe this mindset is so prevalent and widespread (even in men – how do you explain porn, strip clubs lying to women about being married and Tiger Woods?) that I consider it an addiction. In fact, I call it “relationship addiction,” thus the title. Here is how I describe it in chapter 6 of my book…

“The central, underlying belief that allows [the “you complete me” mindset] to flourish, but yet is responsible for our misery, is the belief that a partner’s love is going to save us, heal us, make us happy or whole.

We must lose faith in the idea that love will end our loneliness and make us feel alive. We must lose faith that a partner’s love will make us happy, repair our wounded self-esteem [or validate our masculinity]. We must lose faith in a love “out there” that will make us feel whole, special, safe, seen and secure.  As long as we have even a hint of faith in love, the very love we seek will always elude us.

Faith in love has to be shattered.  It must be obliterated from your being. It is a cancer. If even a single cell of it remains in your consciousness, a happy, fulfilling relationship is an impossibility. We must understand that:

Jerry Maguire Was Full of Shit!

“You complete me” – we believe that crap!… Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the movie. But the notion, as romantic as it is, that we are incomplete and that another person can complete us, is simply a gross misperception of who we are as Spirit Beings. Soul needs Mate? Better needs Half? The needs One?  It’s all a load of crap.

Here are a couple things [I’ve come] to see: First, the reason our relationships have been nightmares is because we believe it’s our partner’s role and responsibility to meet our needs, whether those needs are emotional, sexual, financial or spiritual. In a very real sense, we have a job description for them…And when they fail to come through for us, and meet our perceived needs, drama breaks out in the form of cheating, pouting, complaining, getting angry or feeling betrayed.

Here’s another realization…[As a former relationship addict myself], I had never been authentically in love – EVER, and neither have you if you’re at all hooked on love. No matter how often I felt like I was in love; no matter how often I said the words, “I love you,” to one of my partners, I never truly loved them because authentic love is a one-way street.

Love asks nothing, needs nothing and requires nothing. It needs no response, no return and no reason. Love has no strings, it has no memory, it incurs no debt and needs no vow. If need exists, love can’t. If want is present, love is absent. Love is not mutual. It is not a two-way street. It is freely given with no thought of reply. Love is unconditional. Always.

And the only way a person can love unconditionally is if they realize they are absolutely without need, that they are full and that they are complete. In other words, the only way a person can love authentically is if they know who they truly are as Spirit Beings.”

If you want your love life to flourish; if you want to experience the intimate communion that is possible between two human beings; if you want the sun to shine brightly through you, then I invite you to visit my website (www.coachingwithroy.com). There, you can learn more insights about love in my new book, which can be downloaded. Or you may buy the paperback. I truly hope you find it enlightening.

About the Author
Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player. He is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog and you can find all of his entries on his blog main page. Roy used his PGA Tour background to write a previous two-part entry about Getting In the Zone with your life.

You can reach Roy for advice by contacting him through email, his website or by phone…

roy@coachingwithroy.com
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

By Roy Biancalana, Certified Life Coach

Golfers have strange vocabularies. Consider the following slang terms and phrases: “chili-dip,” “lay the sod over it,” “banana,” “skull,” “fried egg,” and “snowman,” to name only a few. Unless you’re an avid golfer, you may not know what any of those terms mean.

But then there’s the term “mulligan.” Even non-golfers know that it means a “do-over.” A mulligan is a chance to replay a shot you didn’t like. And at this time of year, many are doing just that, only it’s called a New Year’s Resolution. And if you are making a few of those yourself, I’d like to share a few things I’ve learned about how to make them stick. A realized resolution has three components: Awareness, Alignment and Assistance.

Awareness
At first glance, awareness seems almost too obvious to warrant mentioning. For if anything is going to change, whether it’s our fitness, finances, career, relationships, habits, addictions, and so on, we must first become aware that something is not the way we want it. That seems obvious. So why make a big deal out of awareness? Well, have you ever given any serious thought as to why most New Year’s Resolutions don’t come to fruition?

In my experience, it’s because we lack long-term motivation. And when I’ve thought about why I’ve lost motivation to realize a resolution, I’ve discovered that the desired change didn’t originate from my deepest Self, but from someone else. That “someone else” can be our partner, doctor, trainer, therapist, friend or even the culture in general. The sneakiest “someone else,” however, is our ego. Often we want to change some aspect of our lives for attention, approval or to impress or control others.

While “someone else’s” resolutions for us might have value, I have found that if the motivation doesn’t originate from, or deeply resonate with, my deepest Self, no permanent transformation will take place. Your resolutions have to be YOUR resolutions. How can you tell the difference? Well, “someone else” always uses the word “should.” If you hear the word “should” in your consciousness or in your actual speech, you can be sure that your resolution is being motivated by other people, the culture or your ego, and therefore, it will eventually fail.
 
So when I say “awareness,” I don’t mean being aware of what you want to change, that’s easy enough. The key is being aware of why you want to change. Don’t bother making a resolution that doesn’t come from your deepest Self. It won’t last.

Alignment
The next step is to align everything in your life around realizing your resolution. Your checkbook, schedule, refrigerator, garbage can, closets, bed and conscience must reflect your commitment. And conversely, you must not allow anything into your emotional or physical space that tempts you or distracts you from what you want. Everything and anybody that competes for, or is in conflict with, your commitment must go. Zero tolerance. Zero compromise. Zero exits. You must vigilantly be on the lookout for any people, places, things, choices, beliefs and attitudes that can derail your resolution.

Assistance
The last component is assistance (or coaching). And let me be clear that I do not mean accountability. Accountability is necessary when you are trying to keep “someone else’s” resolutions. My 15-year-old needs to be held accountable for his homework because he doesn’t want to do it. But an adult doesn’t need to be held accountable for things he or she truly wants to do. Accountability is a sign of immaturity. It is for those living “someone else’s” life.

Assistance, on the other hand, is necessary – even essential. While people need assistance to ensure their resolutions are truly theirs and that they align everything in their life with them, what they really need assistance with is the insidious Upper Limit Problem.

Space prohibits a full discussion of the Upper Limit Problem (maybe a topic for a future AccessRx blog post), but suffice it to say that we have a curious habit of unconsciously sabotaging our own success. Most people need assistance seeing their self-sabotaging patterns and a coach or therapist is perfectly suited to assist in this area.

If you, or someone you know, is making a resolution for 2010, seriously consider the three components mentioned above and then contact me if I can be of assistance. For it would be a shame to ask for another mulligan this time next year.

About the Author
Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player. He is a regular contributor to the AccessRx.com blog and you can find all of his entries on his blog main page. Roy used his PGA Tour background to write a previous two-part entry about Getting In the Zone with your life.

You can reach Roy for advice by contacting him through email, his website or by phone…

roy@coachingwithroy.com
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Additional Resources
www.getmotivation.com

By Roy Biancalana, Certified Life Coach

I often think that the reason people are so eager to celebrate New Year’s Eve is not so much because it presents a fresh opportunity to create a preferable future, but because it signifies the end of the holiday season! For many, “TGIF” stands for “Thank God It’s Finished!” 

I know I sound like the Scrooge, but beginning at Thanksgiving and continuing all the way through Christmas, we eat too much, spend too much, and – okay, I’ll be the one to say it – we spend way too much time with our families! It’s no wonder we drink heavily on New Year’s Eve! By the time the ball drops in Times Square, we’re often eligible for “The Biggest Loser,” TV show, a government bailout and a long stay at the funny farm.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that over the past few months I’ve been describing a number of commitments that are essential to experiencing authentic intimacy. I’m continuing that here in this blog, but because it’s the holiday season, I’m broadening my comments to address all relationships, intimate or otherwise. One of the primary sources of holiday stress results from our interactions with our immediate and extended families.

One Simple Shift Can Do the Trick

If you want this holiday season to be blessed and not stressed, I invite you to make one simple shift in the way you communicate – stop criticizing and start appreciating. As simplistic as it sounds, this shift will bring astounding results, even if you and your family have experienced drama for years.

The shift happens in two stages. The first is to completely eliminate criticism, blame and name-calling from your vocabulary. Don’t worry about what anyone else says and does – they will probably continue to show up and do the same things they have in the past. Instead, put your attention on what comes out of your mouth. No judging, gossiping, condemning, guilt-tripping, shaming or “should”-ing. In other words, eliminate all forms of negative communication from your interactions this holiday season.

The second half of the shift is to fill your family members’ ears with words of appreciation, gratitude, praise, admiration, approval and gratefulness.  Make a conscious effort to verbally appreciate each and every member of your family. Overlook your past hurts and grievances. Let them go. See through their quirks and annoying habits and recognize them for who they truly are. They are made in the image of God (as are you), and if you can let go of the past, you will discover that there is much to appreciate about them.

If you want a holiday season that is blessed and not stressed, no matter how much you think your family members don’t deserve it, end criticism and lavish them with abundant appreciation. Then stand back and watch you and your entire family be transformed right before your very eyes.

About the Author
Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player. You can reach Roy for advice by contacting him through email, his website or by phone…

roy@coachingwithroy.com
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387
 

By Roy Biancalana, Certified Life Coach

Being selfish is essential if you desire to have a fulfilling and healthy love life. I know that sounds crazy, so let me explain.

I’m not championing self-absorption and the total disregard for others. That’s what I call narcissistic selfishness. I’m talking about Sacred Selfishness. I am saying that you cannot have relationship bliss if you are not following your bliss. And your bliss is found in heeding your inner voice, being faithful to your creative path and engaging in activities that make you feel vibrant and alive.

When flying, we’re told that in the event of an emergency, we’re to put on our oxygen mask before we help anyone else with theirs. That’s what I mean by Sacred Selfishness. As important as our partners, parents, friends and kids are, our aliveness must take precedence. You are the priority, for you are no good to anybody if you are “dead.” You must not lose your self.

(By the way, for those of you who are familiar with the Bible, when it says to “deny yourself,” that’s referring to your ego not your aliveness.) Your aliveness is sacred, and you must protect it like a mother bear protects her cubs. If you put your partner or the stability of your relationship ahead of your aliveness, you will probably end up depressed, addicted or involved in an extramarital affair.

Many people believe that sacrifice and compromise are key fundamentals in healthy relationships. It’s actually just the opposite. The purpose of a relationship is the growth and expansion of the individuals in it. A truly healthy and blissful relationship is one in which neither partner is giving up anything of importance in exchange for being in the relationship. Sacrifice and compromise are red flags. In most cases, if two people are willing to work at it, both partners can have what they want, for there are many creative solutions that can be found.

The best gift you can give your partner, your kids, your friends and your career is a Self that is in love with life. And that usually means being sacredly selfish about three areas of life…

The first area is your inner voice.
One thing I’ve always loved about Jesus was how he modeled this. Most of us see Jesus as a very unselfish being, and in the narcissistic sense, he was. But if you tried to distract him from following his inner voice, look out. On one occasion, Peter tried to do that and Jesus called him Satan! Before you listen to, or get distracted by, any other voices in your life, i.e., your kids, partner, parents, boss, etc., hear yours and give it priority.

The second area is your creative path.
Each of us has come into the world to make a contribution. We are here to express ourselves and offer our gifts. That is what I mean by your creative path. That may be anything from raising children to starting a business to being President of the United States. Your aliveness is intimately connected to how fully you live your creative path and you cannot allow anything or anyone to stand in your way.

The last area is your activities.
Engaging in activities that make you feel vibrant and alive is the last component of Sacred Selfishness. Simply put, you have the right to do things that make you feel happy and joyful. Your role in life is not to help everyone else enjoy life, but to model joyous living for them. I’m going to say something controversial here. The idea of spending quantity time with your children is bunk if it means you must cut out activities that rejuvenate and enliven you. Your kids are better off having one hour with a happy parent, than four hours with a depressed one. Quality really is more important than quantity.

Roy Biancalana has provided numerous AccessRx blog entries in which he shares how to live a healthy, spiritual and fulfilling life. He is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player. Roy is available for consultations.

roy@coachingwithroy.com 
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

By Roy Biancalana, Certified Life Coach

Permit me to vent a little bit. I am sick and tired of people in the media stereotyping men as being Neanderthals when it comes to intimacy and communication. For example, the other day my wife showed me an article written in Oprah’s magazine in which some “expert” was saying men don’t like to talk about their feelings, share their fears or even make eye contact with “their” woman in conversation. The writer said it had something to do with our biology and history as cavemen.

Well, men, I don’t know about you, but my knuckles don’t drag on the ground! We’re not cavemen; we’re not the stereotypical 1950s male; we’re not our fathers. We are evolving. We can and do talk about how we feel, and this article is designed to continue this evolutionary process.

If you’ve been following this blog, you know that last month we began a series on the Relationship Fundamentals. We said that intimacy is just like any sport: Success results from mastering the fundamentals, doing the “little things” impeccably well. And we said the first “little thing,” the first relationship fundamental, was to “stop blaming and take responsibility.” Blame is like a football team not being able to tackle. You can’t win if you can’t tackle and you can’t win in intimacy if you blame. It’s as simple as that.

Fundamental #2: Reveal Rather Than Conceal

Now we turn our attention to this month’s fundamental, and I’ll be the first to admit that it can be frightening. This month’s fundamental is to “Reveal Rather Than Conceal.”

In a great relationship, partners live out loud with each other. They tell each other the truth—the microscopic truth. Feelings, wants, decisions, thoughts, emotions and questions are not concealed, they are revealed. Intimacy is transparency. If you conceal, hide and withhold from your partner, you are not in a healthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship, partners don’t protect each other from the truth, they respect and value each other (and themselves!) enough to reveal it. The saying, "What they don’t know won’t hurt them," is a blatant lie. In my experience, and I do have some in this area, living incongruently and being out of integrity erodes your soul, saps your aliveness and often leads to physical and/or financial disaster.

I admit, however, that if you reveal rather than conceal, it might get a little dicey between you and your partner. That was my experience. Space does not permit me to share my full story, but suffice it to say that I led a relational double life for a little over a year. And contrary to what you might see in the movies, it’s a horrible way to live. I was a professional concealer and I can tell you it doesn’t work.

But what does work, and I know this from experience too, is being a revealer. Being open, transparent and honest—living out loud—ultimately creates harmony, happiness and closeness. Remember, there are only two paths in a relationship. The first is love, which means you reveal in order to relate; and the second is fear, which means you conceal in order to control. Those are the only two paths open to you. One leads to “heaven,” the other to “hell.” And trust me, as I’ve said, I’ve been to hell.

That said, I don’t want to give you the impression that only the “big” stuff needs to be revealed. Most men, thankfully, aren’t living double lives. Yet, if we want a great love life, we also need to refuse to withhold, hide or conceal even the “little” things. Reveal your feelings, fears, mistakes, beliefs, needs, actions, dreams and decisions. Your partner can handle it. If they can’t love and accept you for who you are and what you’re experiencing in life, then so be it.

Remember, your absolute highest priority in life is to be you and to hold nothing back. If your partner (or anyone for that matter) can’t handle who you are, then why would you want to be with them anyway? You deserve to be loved for who you are, not for who your partner, or anyone else, wants you to be.

Live out loud. Tell the microscopic truth. Make your inner conversation public. Be transparent and open. Don’t control your partner, but love them enough to tell them the truth. Reveal what you have the urge to hide. In my experience, though it might get ugly for a time, a commitment to this fundamental leads to intimacy, trust and bliss. Though this might seem daunting, it’s not. It’s so easy even a caveman can do it.

Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player.

roy@coachingwithroy.com 
www.coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

Additional Resources
www.about-personal-growth.com
Provides advice to help people realize any future success starts with personal growth.

Executing and performing are things that must take place in both football and relationships. Speaking of that, are you ready for some football?! It’s that time of year, and as a Chicago Bears fan, I’m hoping my team drastically improves its performance this year: and I mean everything from scoring in the Red Zone, to converting third downs and running the two-minute drill. If any team wants to be successful in football, they have to consistently execute in critical areas.

Likewise, if we want to be successful in relationships, we too, must consistently execute and perform in some critical areas. However, most of us guys know more about football than we do about love and intimacy! For example, if I asked you to come up with ten things a football team has to do to win and ten things a man must do to succeed in love, which would be easier for you? Even though I am a relationship coach, the football list is easier for me! 

But that is tragic because no matter how much it upsets us when our team loses, it’s nothing compared to the heartache and misery that we experience when our love life fails. So, over the next few editions of this blog, I am going to discuss a number of commitments that we must make if we want to be successful in our love lives.

Commitment # 1: Stop Blaming and Take Responsibility

I’m going to pull a Nancy Reagan here and tell you to “just say no” to blame. You will never have even a decent relationship, much less a great one, if you play the victim by blaming your partner for your feelings, problems or experiences. If you can make a commitment to yourself, that you will never, ever, under any circumstances, blame your partner for anything, your love life will radically be transformed. This is like the commitment to stopping the run in football. You can’t win without it.

But what do you do when you are absolutely, positively certain that something is your partner’s fault? Well, first, keep your commitment. Don’t blame. Just don’t go there. Don’t let the words come out of your mouth. Instead, redirect that accusation energy and use it to fuel deep self-inquiry. In other words, turn your certainty into curiosity. Ask yourself this mind-blowing question: “How might I be responsible for what’s occurring?”

I know how bizarre this sounds. When I first heard the principle that we are 100% responsible for our reality, I thought it was New Age mumbo-jumbo. But when I actually investigated a situation or two that I was sure was someone else’s fault, I always found that I either allowed, invited or required things to be exactly as they were. My curiosity led me to see that I had, in fact, set the whole thing up. This doesn’t mean that our partner (or anyone else) doesn’t have their part, for they too may be 100% responsible. It just means that without us, things would not be unfolding as they are. Let me give you an example.

Know the Mate You Chose and "Deal With It" 

I once worked with a couple that was on the verge of divorce because the husband had found out that over their 20 year marriage, his wife had about a dozen affairs. When I first talked to him, he was, of course, terribly hurt, but he also saw himself as the total victim of her behavior and blamed her for ruining their lives. “How could she do this to me?” he said. As we talked, I asked him to tell me about the early days of their relationship, back when they were dating. He said, “We broke up three different times when we were dating because I caught her seeing other guys.” 

He knew exactly who she was before they got married! She was simply continuing to be the woman she always was. How then could he claim to be the victim and blame her for his pain? He set the whole thing up. He chose to date and then marry a girl who was a committed cheater. As Jimmy Buffet said, “Some people say that there’s a woman to blame, but I know, it’s my own damn fault.”

Now, is she responsible for her behavior? Of course she is. She was a relationship addict. She certainly had issues. But the critical point is this: None of it could have occurred without him choosing to ignore who he knew her to be. Does this mean he should stay married to her? No! It means he can take responsibility for how he created the mess and for what he wants to do about it now. In the most literal sense, this is absolute freedom.

And this freedom is only available to those who “just say no” to blame and instead inquire, investigate and wonder about how they are responsible for what is occurring in their lives. This is, without question, the most challenging commitment that we will discuss, but living it brings maybe the greatest, most profound results. If you have questions about this, I invite you to contact me at roy@coachingwithroy.com. I’d love to explore it further with you.

Roy Biancalana is an author, certified life coach and former PGA Tour player.

www.coachingwithroy.com
roy@coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

A few years ago, when my 19-year marriage was ending, I met a woman that I was sure was “The One.”  We had amazing chemistry!  This was especially exciting for me because the marriage I was coming out of was a nicely functioning, but nearly plutonic relationship.  We didn’t fight much because we shared commitments concerning our son, finances and spirituality. But we were like brother and sister. There was no passion and chemistry between us.  So when I met “The One,” I thought I’d died and gone to heaven because we were like a couple of teenagers—madly in love and having wild sex multiple times a day.

A little over a year later, and happily engaged to be married, I began to see that although we had chemistry, we didn’t have shared commitments on which to build our relationship!  We were hot for each other, but we weren’t right for each other. I was devastated. Would I ever find a relationship that had both chemistry and shared commitments?

This second break up led me to embark on what I call a conscious way of choosing a life partner.  One day, I sat down at my computer and brainstormed.  I came up with three questions to help me determine if a woman was, indeed, “The One.” These questions became a safeguard against the danger of making a commitment based solely on chemistry. Within six months, I was in a relationship that had both chemistry and shared commitments—and she is now my wife!  I hope that these questions can help guide you toward finding the love of your life.

Question #1:  Am I compromising any significant desire, dream or direction in my life to be with her?

When I was with “The One,” I was compromising a key purpose of my life: fatherhood. She lived one thousand miles away from my son and was unwilling to move. To be with her meant that I had to move away from him. So I compromised on my purpose, for a time, because we had such great chemistry.

Are you giving up anything really important to you, like a life long dream, a path or a core purpose, in order to be with someone? One of the ways you know that they are “The One,” is that there is nothing of importance that you are giving up in exchange for being in the relationship. Healthy relationships support the pursuit of dreams and creativity. Many people believe that compromise is a good thing in a relationship. That’s a total lie. Compromise is a red flag.  You don’t have to abandon your dreams or change your direction in life to be with someone. If you do, it’s a sign you’re with the wrong person!

Question #2:  Does she have absolutely all of my “deal makers” and none of my “deal breakers”? 

That day at my computer, I also got clear on a couple of basics I had to have, and would not stand for, in a partner. I call them “deal makers” and “deal breakers.” For instance, my primary “deal maker” is having a woman who is completely devoted to her spiritual growth, above all else. Secondly, I want a woman who takes 100% responsibility for her experiences, problems and emotions. I’m not interested in relating intimately with a blamer or a victim. Thirdly, I want openness, someone who reveals rather than conceals. And lastly, I want someone committed to a healthy lifestyle. Those were my “deal makers,” things I had to have.

My “deal breakers” were women who smoked, were sexually disinterested, workaholics, or had children under the age of ten.  I have no judgment about those issues, they’re just not what I want in my life. Again, if any of those things were true, I would end the relationship immediately, no matter how great our chemistry was. But I was fudging on some of these with “The One.” It was partly because we had such great chemistry, but also because I had a scarcity mindset. 

Like many people, I thought there was a shortage of women who were perfectly suited for me. And if you hold that belief, you’ll likely overlook something significant, especially if the physical attraction is high. The truth is that there are many partners that embody what you are looking for. And the universe will bring them to you if you wait and refuse to settle.

Question #3:  Would I be completely happy, if from this moment on, nothing about her or our relationship changed?

I’ve saved the most critical question for last. What if nothing ever changes about your partner or your relationship? What if five years from now, everything, and I mean, everything, is the same? What if they never lose weight? What if they still don’t handle their credit cards responsibly? What if their sexual interest never changes? You can’t be in love with fantasy. You must be in love with reality, the person they are now.

The primary reason I know my wife is “The One,” is that for the first time in my relational life, I am not in love with who I hope my woman will become. I’m in love with her—now. In my previous relationships, I would hope the woman in my life would become more interested in sex, lose weight or take an interest in spiritual things. I didn’t really love them as they were, I loved who I thought they could and should be.
 
Are you in love with your partner or their potential? Let go of hoping your partner will get thinner, smarter, richer, sexier, happier, or more responsible than they are right now. Assume they won’t. Assume nothing will change. Are they still “The One”?

Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player.

www.coachingwithroy.com
roy@coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387

In part one of How to Get in The Zone and Stay There, we said “The Zone” is the third and highest stage of human potential and that in order to access it, we must grow through each of the two preceding stages. I want to walk you through that evolutionary process so you can work and play in “The Zone.”

Stage 1: Victim Consciousness

In this first stage, a person believes that something external is causing their problem(s). Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith calls it, “To me, by it.” Victims live with anger and fear because something, over which they believe they have no control, is happening “to them.” Consequently, victims spend most of their time blaming and complaining about “it.”

Golfers infected with victim consciousness always have a story about why they didn’t play well. It was their last lesson, their equipment, the pace of play, the weather or their playing partners.

PGA Tour player Sergio Garcia revealed his victim consciousness in the 2009 Masters by blaming Augusta National for his poor play, saying the course was “tricked up.” Victims in the business world also have stories for why they aren’t successful. They blame or complain about their bosses, the system, their customers and nowadays, the economy.

In intimacy, victims blame their partners for their unhappiness. In each of these three scenarios, the victim isn’t responsible for what’s occurring in their life, something or someone else is.

Consequently, this stage is filled with drama, angst and misery, and if it is to be transcended, a person must engage in the spiritual practice of taking responsibility. That means to ask how they might be responsible for what is occurring in their lives. The essential practice here is to quit blaming and complaining and begin wondering how you are creating your life situation.

Often this takes the help of a good coach or therapist but when you do have the “aha” moment and see how your struggle is self-created, then and only then, can you take control of your life and start making changes that bring you success and happiness.

Stage 2: Creator Consciousness

Embracing the truth that we are responsible for our reality, that there are no victims and that nothing happens “to us,” empowers us to create the life we most want to live. Stage 2 is about self-mastery, taking control and making things happen. The popular movie, “The Secret,” was about this stage and Dr. Beckwith calls it, “To it, by me.” At this stage, we impose our will on “it,” aligning our thinking patterns with the laws of the universe to create the life we want.

For instance, creator-stage golfers use the laws of repetition, intention and visualization to improve their game. Almost every sports psychology book on the market is a stage 2 book. They teach you how to control your thought patterns, thereby freeing your body to execute your intentions. Business people learn to master the skills of time management, strategic planning and leadership to build successful careers. Intimate couples apply the laws of appreciation, revelation and keeping agreements to create harmony and closeness.

This stage is exhilarating because, finally, life starts to work! Realizing that we are the cause that creates the effect is incredibly liberating, yet many people never advance beyond this stage. It’s easy to get stuck here, addicted to the adrenaline of achievement.

But Stage 2, for all of its successes, is anything but effortless and flowing. Often, life is a grind, full of stress and imbalance. Though we are master creators, productive and successful, we begin wondering about our life’s purpose and if there is something beyond the daily grind.

This moment is often called a Mid-Life Crisis, and it is a tremendous gift from the universe. If we can resist the temptation to medicate this moment with a new sports car or a partner half our age, we can engage in two essential practices that can transform our lives and propel us into “The Zone.” Those practices are surrender and meditation.

Surrender doesn’t mean going soft or being a pacifist, it means yielding to the divine. It takes enormous courage to let go of control and open yourself to what wants to emerge through you, not simply by you. To surrender means to stop being the creator and allow yourself to be created. It means to step aside and allow something divine to come forward through you, and as you.

As for meditation, “The Zone” is a state of consciousness and performance where thinking stops and being takes over. In “The Zone,” the mind is quiet and peaceful and life flows without effort. And that mindless state is brought about through meditation. Additionally, meditation is the means by which we discover what wants to emerge through us and as us in the world. Put quite plainly, we can not get in “The Zone” and stay there if we don’t make surrender and mediation consistent practices in our lives.

Stage 3: Zone Consciousness

When you are in “The Zone” you are in the realm of Spirit and magic. Beckwith calls this stage, “through me, by It.” Here, miracles seem to occur because pure potentiality is realized. Trying becomes flowing and thinking becomes knowing. Our egos recede and dissolve as we allow ourselves to become an instrument of Spirit’s intention in our world.

At this stage, golf (or any sport) is played with great intentionality but with absolutely no fear because it’s not about us anymore. We aren’t playing to protect, establish or enhance our egoic self but to display our most authentic Self through golf. Concepts like competition, success, failure, winning and losing don’t exist in the consciousness of a golfer in “The Zone.” Nothing is at stake and we have no attachment to outcome.

In business, our attention is placed, not on survival or even success, but on what desires to emerge through our company or career. The passion of the zone businessman or woman is not to beat the competition, protect market share or even to get the next promotion. It’s what is Spirit’s intention for my business or career and what do I need to let go of, or become, in order for It to manifest?

In intimacy, once a couple has stopped the drama caused by blame and created a high-functioning, passionate relationship by aligning themselves with the relationship laws that govern intimacy, they begin to inquire, together, as to what deeper purpose seeks to emerge through their union. Beyond their own ecstasy and intimacy, why are they together and how can they be a vehicle to bring It into the world?

In conclusion, “The Zone” is spiritual enlightenment expressed through golf, business and/or life. It is the birthright and calling of every individual and the only question is whether or not we will commit to our personal evolution, which is the doorway into “The Zone.”

Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player.

www.coachingwithroy.com
roy@coachingwithroy.com
407-687-3387