How often have we guys heard that we don’t understand women, that we just don’t get it? All the time, right? It’s a theme we’re repeatedly bombarded with in movies, at work, on TV shows, in commercials, and unfortunately, from our own wives or girlfriends.
However, if instead of complaining or criticizing us for “not getting it,” wouldn’t it be nice if they would actually tell us about themselves and exactly how they want to be loved? Well, of course, they do. But in my experience, it happens in the middle of an argument, at a time when no one is really hearing one another.
Because of this, I have my female clients write a short letter to their guy (when they’re not mad at him!) explaining exactly how they want to be loved. I tell them to keep it free of blame and criticism and to simply pour out their hearts. “Tell him what matters most to you,” I say, “then give it to him and offer to discuss it if he wants to.” It works amazingly well.
Over the years of counseling women and reading their letters, I have seen a theme emerge. And understanding this theme has revolutionized my love life and made me what I call, A Warrior-Lover. I think it will do the same for you. So, granting that no two women are exactly alike, if I was to summarize all the letters into one general letter, this is what it would say:
Do you know what I find most attractive about you? It’s not that you’re a professional success or that you help with the kids or even that you do your share of the chores, though I appreciate that very much. What I find irresistibly sexy about you is when you gift our love affair with your full conscious masculine presence.
My love, when you are directed in your mission yet motivated by love, I feel safe to surrender open my heart and fully trust that my “rock” has got our relationship and our lives on the right path. That’s not to say that I am not capable of being my own “rock.” I am no damsel-in-distress. I have, and can, “wear the pants” in my life. It’s just that I’d rather not. I’d rather you be present enough so that I don’t have to. There is no greater aphrodisiac in the world to me than feeling your masculine presence expressed in confidence, integrity, passion, strength and humor.
Sometimes I live grounded in the awareness that I am love itself, a Goddess in bodily form. In those ecstatic moments I feel at peace with all things; I radiate the light and love that fills my heart and I’m open to all that life brings my way. But at other times, my love, as you well know, it’s a very different story!
Sometimes I’m like a category 5 hurricane, swirling in my emotions and overwhelmed by life’s drama and pain. But instead of evacuating from my path, leaving me alone until I “get a grip” (as any sane person would!), I need you to gift me with your masculine presence and penetrate my closed, frightened heart, not to fix me—I’m not a car—but to love me open beyond my moods. When I’m spinning aimlessly, dance with me. When I’m scared, ground me with your humor. When I sulk and pout, look at me, unflinchingly, until I smile.
And if that doesn’t work, pick me up—even if I’m kicking and screaming at you—and throw me on the bed and playfully ravish me until my heart opens in love. Whatever you do, my warrior-lover, don’t run from me. Crowd me, claim me and take me open beyond myself to the very presence of God. —Your Beautiful Goddess
Very few men can stay emotionally and physically present when the winds of wild feminine energy blow. Most of us men make one of two mistakes. Either we offer advice to fix the problem, or, after realizing that doesn’t work, we steer clear until she calms down.
But neither advice nor abandonment is the deepest expression of a true masculinity. Both are actually covert and overt ways of avoiding her, which is the dead opposite of what she wants. So what, in heaven’s name, does she want?
Guys, she wants to be loved. What does that mean? Well, for your woman, I don’t know. But you do. The masculine nature knows what to do. It’s one of our deepest gifts and skills, which is why we’re so inclined to fix problems.
But the true Warrior-Lover doesn’t waste his knowingness on fixing his woman (he knows she can do that), but uses it instead to know how to appropriately love her from moment to moment. That is the skill in love and it usually requires a bit of coaching to master.
Here is a principle that I have found to be true and helpful in my love life: No matter what’s got my woman upset or angry, I assume she simply doesn’t feel loved in that moment—by ME! And ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I’m right.
Your woman may say the problem is work, money, the kids or her friends. Don’t fall for it. No matter the problem, the solution is your love. So instead of fixing her, hug her. If she’s angry—even if it’s at you, gaze into her and listen.
If appropriate, and you’ll know if it is, make her laugh or dance with her. And absolutely, positively never give her space—even if she says that’s what she wants! It’s almost never true. She’s testing you to see if you care. Go toward her. Take her, crowd her, ravish her. Show up! Be fully present. This is being a Warrior-Lover and he is irresistible to a feminine Goddess.
Roy Biancalana is a certified Life/Relationship coach and author who works by phone.