August 26, 2010

This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the AccessRx.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews

1. You’ve had many different hardships in your life, and bring those experiences to the table in your role as a Life Coach. In your opinion, what are some of the hardest challenges for people to conquer and how might they go about getting started?

The most difficult obstacle we all face is our own resistance to change. We absolutely need change if we are going to grow, progress and maintain or improve our emotional, sexual and physical health. It isn’t possible to thrive if you are attached to habits of thought or behavior. Flexibility and adaptability are required in order to obtain the results we crave, yet we are more likely to find excuses for the way we think and behave instead of risking the discomfort of learning a new thought or action.

If you want to move past the habits and emotions which are keeping you stuck, you first have to assure yourself that you won’t ask too much too soon. Take change one step at a time and reward yourself for every step forward that you take. Make learning new things fun and minimize the fear factor. Be gentle AND firm with yourself. No excuses. But no limiting or demoralizing self-talk either. Be your own best cheerleader and coach. Whether you are attempting to learn better ways to deal with your anger or you are endeavoring to overcome an addiction, you will need both strokes and strong leadership. It makes sense to seek this from others who have the recovery you want and/or trained professionals who can give you specific exercises to help build the strengths and shifts in thinking required to effect change.

2. You help coach people suffering from body image issues. What kinds of thoughts are these people having and how are those thoughts affecting their relationships?

Body image issues are extremely prevalent thanks in large part to our modern advertising. Ads in magazines, on television and online are designed to make all of us feel inadequate and insecure. The tricks of the trade include not only using models who are risking their health to achieve a particular look but computer and graphic enhancements which totally alter the photos of the models. We are bombarded with images which communicate that we should look a way which the models themselves cannot achieve. If you understand that the models are probably intimidated by their own photos because they cannot live up to the airbrushed and photo-shopped images of themselves then maybe you can begin to build an awareness of just how dishonest this game of eroding self-esteem and self-confidence really is.

The goal of advertising is to create a completely unattainable image which you will pursue by buying the products which are being sold with the false hope that somehow you will be transformed into the fantasy which is being promoted. Of course the products being sold cannot make you look like the photo because no one – not even the model in the photo – actually looks like that.

Add to that the fact that many modifications to the human body are now being sold via plastic surgery, injections and various other cosmetic procedures and you may feel like a total loser if you don’t make your appearance your number one priority in life. This focus on appearance has the end result of separating us from ourselves and our hearts. We don’t know how we feel because we are too busy looking the mirror.

Many women are so focused on their appearance that they find it difficult to be embodied during sex. This makes sexual function including orgasm difficult or impossible. Shifting one’s focus from the imaginary camera or movie in your head to how you FEEL in your body is crucial in order to experience full body orgasms and emotional connection to yourself and your partner.

3. What are the primary reasons couples that are in long-term relationships begin to drift apart? Is this always a sign of doom, or are there ways couples can reconnect both in the bedroom and as friends?

Whenever someone tells me their sex life used to be good but now it isn’t, I ask them "What are you ANGRY about?" This is the last thing they expect to hear from a Certified Sexologist. As a society we have become obsessed with pills, potions and positions as cures for our dwindling libidos and less than stellar sex lives. But we are NOT machines and simply adjusting our chemistry or rubbing a body part in an exotic manner will not lead to long-term sexual satisfaction. Sooner or later the newness and novelty will wear off and you will be left with the same empty feeling that sent you searching for cures in the first place.

If you want to save yourself some time and frustration, then please change your approach to sex as follows: 

• Acknowledge that you are a feeling creature and as such your sex is driven by emotions
• Begin to acquaint yourself with all the buried feelings you are trying to hold at bay and
• Learn Anger Management Techniques so you can be assured that you won’t do anything you might regret while you are learning how to have your anger without acting out.

Most of us suppress our emotions because we are trying to do the right thing and behave in a respectful and intelligent fashion. The problem is that once you suppress any emotion you have in effect, tamped down all your emotions so now you not only hold in your anger but you can’t laugh, cry or experience orgasms with the same intensity you used to.

The solution is very simple but also very difficult to learn. Don’t let that discourage you. I know these techniques work because I have been using them for two decades now and it never fails to revitalize passion, romance and orgasmic potential. You have heard that communication is key in any relationship and this is absolutely true. However most of us communicate in a way which creates LESS trust – not more intimacy. So you need to learn some very specific communication techniques which will open your heart and that of your partner’s. The goal is to create connection and compassion. This is the most effective way to rebirth your relationship, your sex life and your passion for living.

4. What are the keys to enjoying an active and satisfying sex life?

Get in touch with ALL your emotions, learn communication techniques which build connection and compassion, practice anger management so you can stop being afraid of this very natural and necessary emotion and learn healthy boundaries and assertion skills. Once you have these basics in place, you can add education and experience about specific sexual techniques to the mix. You might even want to try conscious breathing and meditation as methods for enhancing a truly embodied sexual experience. But don’t bypass the part about emotions because you are first and foremost an emotional being and your sex is tied to how you feel in your heart and head far more than how you feel in your genitals. Envision your sex life as a lifelong spiritual journey of exploration and discovery – not just of physical pleasures – but more importantly of spiritual awakening.

5. Of all the things a person could choose to work on, what is the most important factor to living a happy and fulfilling life?

Make your life about something other than yourself. Exquisite selfishness demands that you be of service to others. When you understand that to the pit of your being, you will know why you were born and you will connect with your passion and purpose.

About Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM:   SexWithoutShame.com   VeronicaMonet.com

Veronica is the author of Sex Secrets of Escorts (Alpha Books 2005) and a Couples Consultant specializing in Anger Management and Sacred Sexuality. She has appeared on every major network as well as CNN, FOX, CNBC, WE, A&E and international television programs. Veronica has been profiled in prestigious publications including The New York Times and she has lectured at a variety of academic venues including Kent State, Stanford and Yale Universities. As a Certified Sexologist (ACS), Certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Certified Anger Management Specialist (CAM), Trained Volunteer for the Center Against Rape and Domestic Violence (CARDV) and an Ordained Minister (ULC) Veronica Monet’s subject matter marries the body and the soul on many levels – reuniting sex and spirit in down-to–earth terms and providing compassion, intuition, integrity and safety. Veronica Monet coaches men, women and couples over the telephone, via Skype and in-person at her northern California office.

Veronica invites you to join her in The Shame Free Zone – her online radio program at http://www.sextalkradionetwork.com   Email her at veronica@sexwithoutshame.com. And call her toll free at 888.903.0050. Or you can send a text to her cell phone at 415.407.2932.

Read more of our expert interviews:
Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor