June 11, 2010

This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the AccessRx.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews.

1. You have an e-book titled “Becoming Worthy of Self-Love.”  Is this the cornerstone to finding happiness in life?  Please explain.

I wouldn’t say that becoming worthy of self-love is the cornerstone to happiness, but it is part of your journey towards becoming happier, yes. I believe that a well-practiced level of Self-Awareness is possibly the cornerstone to finding happiness. I say ‘well-practiced’ because Self-Awareness is not much good, if it’s not applied and indeed, a reality in your everyday life. This means that as you’re learning more and more about yourself, you’re applying it to your behaviour and seeing the changes in your life around you. Through self-awareness and inner reflection issues such as self-worth and self-love may crop up. For example, you may realize that you carry a lot of anger (which dilutes self-love), but you don’t do anything further to release it. This then doesn’t bring about change and create happiness. If you’re seeking happiness it does mean this work is all necessary because self-worth (which is an aspect of self-esteem) plays a fundamental role in you creating a life that you feel you deserve. Once you accept that you are worthy, your decisions are based on what you really want and/or don’t want. You learn to express yourself better and able to take up the “full space of your life”. You become the meaning in your life. Although these aspects are all linked; it starts with becoming self-aware. And yes – if you’re living your life feeling worthy, able and deserving you will feel happy. I do need to state here however that just because you’ve found happiness doesn’t mean that you don’t feel sad and disappointed at times. Self-love and self-worth mean that you allow yourself to feel the feelings you experience without fear that it detracts from who you are. Because that IS who you are, at that moment.

2. What are the most common complaints from people in their 30’s and 40’s? What about age 50+?

I think the common (albeit subconscious) frustration/challenge is often relationships (in a variety of forms). The challenge at all ages is about both finding and keeping love in the way we need it at that specific age. Love is explored and experienced in many, many facets during one’s life experience. I’ll explain a very generalized discussion which merely provides an example of a life journey matched to decades. I’m going to mention the 20s although this wasn’t in the question above, but provides background. The 20s are usually when meaningful relationships are started, such as marriage and families. You move from single life into intimate relationships in which you learn to give and receive love in partnership with another. This involves learning relationship skills such as identity, communication, roles and expectations.

During your 30s the concept of love changes again as you experience unconditional love for children as they are raised. This may involve self-sacrifice very often and children provide your meaning and ‘reason for being’ during these years. But then, after years of caring- and providing for the family, children leave home and a new type of love emerges again. This love is a shift away from focusing on significant others to a focus on loving yourself. This often starts to happen in your mid-30s with a feeling of “now what?” You then seek to find your own inner self and personal meaning. This kind of “What about me?” love may appear to be self-absorbed (and probably is) but a fuller self is uncovered and brought forward into your existence. This personal journey then takes as long as it needs to and continues into your 40s where the search continues for something “more”. This can continue further into your 50s. Big changes often occur during this phase of life. Examples are: A new intimate relationship, a new hobby, a change of career or starting up a business. All these provide an opportunity to love who you are and towards fulfillment.

The mature years (50+) once again herald a new focus on your external world with a desire to “give back” somehow and demonstrate a love for others and society at large. Many at this stage of life reflect on their lives and wish to create a legacy and make a difference in some way. This is where a well-developed individual can begin to influence the world around him/her. Decisions are made from a place of sincere inner peace and authenticity. The wise, mature individual seems to fully comprehend that life is all about love and compassion at the end of the day (towards yourself and others) Your big questions become: Who have I loved? And how have I loved?

3. For those who feel stuck in the monotony of daily life (raising kids, working a non-fulfilling job, caring for aging parents) how can they identify and go after something that will re-trigger a spark in their soul and elicit a zest for living?

A good, simple place to start is always with your values. Values are merely something that is important to you – there is no right or wrong to this list and they don’t need to be justified or explained. The monotony of life often means that individuals are so busy doing things they feel they “should” be doing as opposed to “want to” be doing. Values are linked to wants, which, as adults are too often ignored. Adults live in a world full of responsibility forgetting what they actually want. To start with, I suggest you make a list of a few of your values and practice using the words “I want” with these. Also, start to listen to the language you use and identify how often you use the following words: “I should” or “I have to” or “I must”. These are the words that slowly extinguish your spark. Connecting completely to what you want generates a feeling of self-empowerment and creates room for your life to change. This ‘permission’ you give yourself is the spark that triggers your soul. Hear it, communicate it and act on it.

4. How does the way a person feels about him or herself ultimately affect their relationships with others?

Your relationships with others are symptomatic of your relationship with yourself. This means the way you feel about yourself gets projected onto others. If you can’t love yourself, how can you truly love others? If you’re permanently judging yourself, how do you really accept others? And the list goes on. It’s through relationships that you do most of your learning, growing and self-development. And by relationships I include all forms (family, friendships and intimate ones). Some of your basic needs are met through those around you. A healthy sense of self-worth helps you believe that you deserve to have these needs met and you can therefore accept (and give) love easily. All in all, through developing a better understanding of yourself, you begin to understand others better as well. You no longer project yourself as a responsibility onto third parties, but merely communicate through mutual respect and honesty.

Once you’ve accepted yourself (warts and all), you’ll realize that you no longer need your partner/friends to be perfect either. Expectations of yourself drop as well as from the others in your life. I call this defusing and equalizing your relationships which then operate from a healthier, more neutral platform and ironically then become easier to manage. Therefore, by working on your self-worth, your relationships could become more loving and accepting. Once you feel you deserve, you learn to communicate “how to have your needs met”. And if your needs are being met, your relationships grow. All too often when relationships disappear (being loved, needed, acknowledged etc) disappear, your sense of self can disappear as well. Therefore it’s important to develop a strong sense of who you are (self) made up of things like self-worth; self-esteem; self-acceptance and self-efficacy etc. You feel less buffeted when relationships disappoint you become more resilient to life’s challenges. Basically – the more you feel OK with yourself; the more your relationships become OK as well.

5. Which is suggested for a person looking to make a change in life: Small, deliberate steps until mini-goal is met, or a full-fledged jump-right-in shift in behavior?

Change remains frightening despite the rapid rate thereof in society today. Individuals still fear failure and the Unknown. I’d suggest small deliberate steps for effective change (I have another E-book which highlights 8 steps to ‘Creating Life Change’). These include:

• Courage
• Trust
• Gratitude
• Intention
• Action
• Flexible Commitment
• Patience
• Honesty (Authenticity)

Before I discuss my philosophy behind it, the practical reality is that with smaller steps, you’re able to cope with further and unexpected changes when a detour is desired along a path. We may think we want to go one way, but another opportunity may present itself along the way. Smaller steps allow you to explore options and create further opportunities. The old adage of you never know what happens when you knock on the door applies. So – knock on all the doors. Now from a personal development standpoint – The biggest thing about life change is that we ‘take ourselves with us’ wherever we go and whatever we do. If the little child within us is still holding onto limiting beliefs and fears that don’t serve us, moving forward will be harder than what it should be. I’m a firm believer in moving through experiences rather than jumping over them. This way you carry the self-empowered authentic self in you along life’s journey which is able to influence, love and have true compassion for others. If you hurtle through life in a state of existence instead of full-living, this removes the richness of all the experiences and depth of relationships along the way. So – if you’re not experiencing your life and learning to love who you’re becoming along the way, where will your personal fulfillment, inner peace and happiness come from?

About Heidi Cornelissen: CompletelyHuman.com

Heidi is one of the founders of CompletelyHuman.com  where she strives to help people as a Health and Wellness Coach.  She firmly believes that life is meant to be lived.  Heidi has a strong foundation in business with many corporate years of financial managerial experience.  She believes to find fulfillment, happiness and self connection is achieved through having a multi-dimensional life.  She assists all types of people in managing all aspects of our complicated lives.  She specializes in Personal transformation & Empowerment, Career & Business Management, Health & Well Being, Spiritual Development and Relationship Fulfillment & Success.

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