Sept 8, 2010

This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the AccessRx.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews

1. How is sexuality today different than it was just ten or twenty years ago? Where do you see it ten years from now?

I think that American society has most definitely changed in many ways in the last twenty years in regards to sexuality. Some positive changes have occurred and some negative. An increased understanding and acceptance of the diversity in human sexuality has developed over the last twenty years, which has contributed to greater freedom and responsibilities regarding sexuality today. On the other side of that thought, there is still the sacred model of sex that lingers, which is intercourse within a marriage, only between a man and a woman.

It is quite evident that technology has opened numerous doors for society to explore their sexuality in more depth through the media and Internet. Changes in the media’s portrayal of sexuality has an influence on people, especially when one considers the fact that by the time we are 18 years old, each of us has watched over 20,000 hours! The media has incorporated gays and lesbians into programming through shows such as, ER, Sex and the City, Ellen DeGeneres’s coming-out, and Will and Grace. There are also many more sexual scenes and references made in other popular show, such as Desperate Housewives, The OC, The Real World, and The Bachelor to name a few. The Internet has revolutionized communication within society. 69% of North America’s population has Internet access. We now have social networks such as Face book and MySpace where people can connect and share their interests. Sexually stigmatized interests can be found with a simple mouse click, where internet dating has exploded and the LGBT, BDSM, and Kink communities can now easily create a dialogue. Cybersex through the use of webcams provides interactive, rather than solo stimulation for its users. Of course, the Internet provides society with a large variety of sexual information. If a question in relation to sex arises within conversation, an I Phone can retrieve the answer in a matter of seconds.

Although there has been more freedom and change in sexuality, the 21st century faces many obstacles pertaining to it. I think the future holds controversial issues such as, comprehensive sex education vs. abstinence, same-sex marriage, health insurance covering contraception, federal laws limiting access to abortion, teens access to contraceptives without parental consent, HIV status as public record, and the legality of prostitution. As I stated in the beginning, sexuality has made great strides; however, our society continues to be polarized on many issues. Society has to overcome its fear of sexuality and the shame and guilt which has shaped their views towards sexuality. I have to agree with Dr. Ted McIlvenna, founder of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California, “Unfortunately, as a society we still value innocence and lack of information, maybe not enough people benefited personally from the Sexual Revolution.” I believe that there will always be two groups in the end: one that wants sexuality to be free and one that wants to control it.

2. As humans, how is it that sometimes we are able to have sex just for the sake of experiencing physical pleasure, and other times we feel that we cannot have sexual relations with somebody unless there is a loving connection or bond?

Although we often times associate sex with love, the connection is not always clear. I think that the sex drive and romantic love are two very different concepts. Sex drive gets us out there seeking out different partners, experiencing pleasure through the release of two very powerful chemicals, oxytocin and dopamine. Eventually, a person may experience romantic love. Romantic love’s energy focuses on one mate, establishing a bond which leads to mating and procreating. There is a chemical cocktail that is released from the brain as well, consisting of norepinephrine, dopamine and phenylethylamine (PEA) that greatly contributes to a loving connection between two individuals. Anthropologist, Helen Fisher, shares an insightful observation on this topic, stating, “after all, reproduction is the primary purpose of any organism. Nature would have done shoddy work had she not produced powerful mechanisms to make us breed and breed again”. I also believe that some people feel extreme amounts of guilt and shame if they have sex without “a loving connection or bond”. These feelings may stem from societal expectations and the values that they were raised with, which can be associated with a variety of reasons such as, religious teachings, and parental expectations.

3. What are some steps someone who is “sexually shy” can take to draw themselves out without their actions seeming too “fake” or “forced” or even worse, having the experience be traumatic?

It may be a good option for this person to see a certified Sexologist. Often times they may need some extra techniques and encouragement to open themselves up and embrace their sexuality (some “coaching”, so to speak). A Sexologist will begin by discussing this person’s sexual history and help them to become more comfortable speaking about sex and their own sexuality in general. Communication skills should be focused on next. By practicing different scenarios with the client in regards to a dating scenario, more confidence can be gained. It is helpful for this person to practice speaking in front of a mirror, pretending to have an interaction with their potential date. Some simple education regarding personal hygiene, grooming, wardrobe, i.e., a makeover, is helpful in making this person feel more confident about themselves when they step out into the dating scene. Some areas have excellent adult sex education classes (check out Good Vibes in San Francisco) that cover a wide array of topics. A Sexologist should be able to recommend dating services, singles activities, and other good venues where this person can go meet people. Safety, of course, should be emphasized. Precautions need to be covered about meeting in neutral, public places, such as a coffee house.

4. Similarly, what can someone who is extremely sexual do to balance themselves out with a partner who is less sexual?

This couple would need to really communicate and negotiate with one another (again, help from a Sexologist would be useful). The communication would lead to ways of expressing to one another what the specific needs are of each individual. When a couple can clearly understand what their intimacy patterns are, they can find a balance. The partner that is extremely sexual needs to be sensitive about putting too much pressure on their partner who is less sexual. The pressure can lead to the less sexual partner feeling as if sex is a duty and lose even more interest. They may want to discuss a way to send cues to one another when they are in the mood. Something simple such as a note by a coffee cup in the morning, or a flower on the bed. These cues help relieve some pressure and are a reminder that sex is a fun and pleasurable experience that they can share together when the time is right. The partner that is more sexual may want to discuss masturbation and adult materials with their less sexual partner. These tools may be very effective in satisfying a high sex drive; masturbating while watching the less sexual partner take a shower or getting dressed/undressed in the morning/evening, or viewing adult websites/magazines may help relieve their partner’s pressure of having to “perform” when they are less sexual.

5. And finally, your course focuses heavily on the term “sex-positivity.” What is that and how can a person integrate it into their own life and relationship?

Sex-positivity means that people benefit from holding positive attitudes about sexuality without any guilt or shame. Sex is a subjective experience and we each have a different relationship with it. Sex should be liberating and pleasurable and people that are sex-positive are confident about it and are not afraid to communicate about what they need sexually. Sex-positive people appreciate sexual diversity; there is no such thing as “normal” sex in this ideology, and there is no place for judgment and moralistic preaching. People experience pleasure in many different ways and we each have our own boundaries. Everyone deserves to have the sex life that is comfortable to him or her, as long as it can be had consensually. Sex-positivity includes all people, whether they are straight, gay, bisexual, intersex, disabled, kink, old, young, etc. It also includes people that live in institutions and require care from attendants. People that have disabilities, disease, and physical and psychosocial disadvantages are all sexual beings and should not be excluded. Sex-positivity promotes sexual health; regardless of health status, a sex-positive approach to partnering aims to reduce both risks of transmitting STIs and the stigma associated with having them. In managing sexual health, people need to have access to safe, affordable contraception and procreative choices.

A person can integrate these concepts to their lives and relationships through education. Comprehensive sex education is an important means to a sex-positive society; which, should be taught at all levels of life that is age appropriate, accessible, and comprehensive If a person receives positive messages about sex and their sexuality early on, they will be able to incorporate them throughout their lives. Of emphasis, sex education does not limit discussion to the harm of sex. Instead, it emphasizes the benefits of healthy, consensual sex.

Learn more about Dr. Tory Clark: ToryClark.com

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Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor