June 22, 2010

This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the AccessRx.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews.

1. In your opinion, why is sex scary to some people?

There are as many reasons that make sex scary to a person, as there are people. Sexual relationships are tricky to navigate and sex pushes people’s buttons. Sex is an incredibly intimate act that can trigger immense vulnerability. It’s an opportunity to connect with another person in a powerful and self-exposing light. When we open ourselves to another human being on that level, when we open our bodies to the possibility for great physical pleasure and open our hearts to love, there is the risk of being hurt. Plus, most of us have been taught to be ashamed of our sexual desires and many religions control people through sexual suppression. Many people feel guilty about their desire for sex and are afraid of where their desires might take them if they indulge their sexual temptations.

2. How can people begin to change their relationship with sex?

The most powerful and significant tool I have experienced in regards to changing one’s relationship with sex is to start telling the truth about it. First to yourself, and then to your partner (s). A great catalyst for change is finding someone to tell your complete sexual history to—as openly and non-judgmentally as possible. Start at the very beginning of your life and let your story unfold. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that are tied up in it. This process will help you uncover all of your beliefs about sex, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Discover what you have been taught about sex that no longer serves you and start sexually reeducating yourself. Our sexual identity and relationship with sex is not static, it’s an ever-evolving, life long process.

3. What are some ways couples can be more forthright with each other regarding their sexual desires and likes/dislikes?

As I just mentioned in regards to changing one’s relationship with sex, telling the truth is the starting point for being forthright with each other. Communicate with your partner and then communicate some more. This takes us back to the first question about why sex is scary to some people. Telling the truth is easy when it’s easy but it’s when it’s difficult that it counts. Couples don’t tell the truth to one another because they are afraid of being judged as weird or as a freak. They are afraid that their partner might leave them, or stop loving them. Many people haven’t learned to discuss their sexual desires in a frank and respectful manner and they get embarrassed and feel shame. They have to start somewhere. Start by telling the truth, allowing yourself to feel the embarrassment and shame or whatever emotion arises. Stay with it. Shine the light on your story and expose all of the details. Be vulnerable with your partner. There are many levels to truth telling. Many couples don’t out and out lie to one another but rather they withhold information. I suggest that if you have fearful energy around a withhold, if you are afraid that your partner will get angry or that the information will hurt their feelings, this information you are withholding is probably impacting your relationship in a negative way. It’s likely blocking intimacy between you and your partner and it might be time to fess up.

4. How can sexuality be viewed as a “spiritual path”?

I’ve already been talking about fears surrounding sex, being in relationship with another, and truth telling. Whatever is happening in the bedroom is often reflecting the dynamics of the rest of the relationship. Sexuality takes us to the core of ourselves and will reveal our woundedness. This woundedness is a part of our ego and that keeps us from realizing our true selves, our spiritual selves. We’ve all heard the saying “We are spiritual beings having a physical experience.” Our physical self is the most accessible path to our spiritual self and we can use this body vehicle to help us “find our way home”. It starts with mindfulness—learning to be mindful of the wisdom in our bodies. The breath is a great tool for facilitating this awareness–breathing and paying close attention to the sensations in the body—really feeling these sensations and following where they take us during sex. It’s not about chasing an orgasm (as wonderful as orgasms are and they certainly have their time and place) but about being in the moment and opening to whatever the sexual energy reveals.

5. Can couples go on a sexually spiritual journey together, or is something like this best done on an individual basis first, then introduced into the relationship later?

Yes. Both. Spirituality means different things to different people. I’ll ask the question, “What isn’t a spiritual journey”? Living a human life together by joining forces with another person is the greatest spiritual journey I know of. Practicing loving kindness to another is a great spiritual virtue. Everyone isn’t a part of a couple, so for those folks, most certainly they should start working on an individual basis first. Our first and foremost relationship is with ourselves. I encourage couples to start their sexually spiritual journey by working both alone and with their partner simultaneously. It’s a dance of coming together and separating and learning to perform these steps gracefully. It’s about finding the balance of interdependence. Fiercely independent people might need to practice cooperation and submitting to their partner’s way of being, while a person inclined to dependency on their partner may need to practice taking space and being with their aloneness. If for instance, an independent person and a dependent person are coupled and wanting to bring more spiritual awareness into their sex life, a good exercise might be for the dependent person to take time alone for engaging in self-pleasuring and then bring what they’ve learned from this practice (about their sexual likes and dislikes, what works best for them during sexual play) to share with and instruct their partner. Another good practice is sensual massage. We are ultimately all our own choreographers for our life dance, and when we take a partner to pool our creative resources with, the spiritual journey can become an incredible, sensually stimulating, and enlightening adventure!

About Adrienne Parker-Morano:   AdrienneParker.com

Adrienne is a Relationship Counselor/Sexuality Specialist with a private practice in downtown Chico, California. She specializes in sexuality; spirituality; communication; truthtelling; and alternative relationship styles such as polyamory. She is LGBTQI affirmative. Adrienne is happily married to one of her best friends, with grown children and grandchildren. Currently her favorite interests are yoga; dance; music; nutrition; traveling; photography; and spending time with family and friends.

Read more of our expert interviews:
Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor